Whenever I get together with my friend, Odysseus, we both end feeling upset. I profess that we like each other and enjoy each other, but frequently something goes amiss. We misunderstand each other with the result that someone, usually both of, gets their feelings hurt. I end up feeling hopeless, helpless, and sad.
Feeling hopeless, helpless, and sad at the same time form the defining ingredients for a diagnosis of depression to me. I would declare that depression is not something I intend on having in my life, but I admit, I used to find myself there often, less so as I learn the insights that I share with you in this article.
You ask, “Is depression a familiar place for you William?”
“Yes… Gee, I have been doing this my entire life with a certain types of people. They are intelligent people who have been downtrodden enough so that they come to believe they have little worth. My job is to help them see their value. My job is to save them from a mean world.”
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Therapy Axiom – The Outcome Is The Intention.
This therapy axiom can free you from pain and help to explain the strange dances you observe in others around you. You may be familiar with the corollary –
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Albert EinsteinAnother example:
Every time Diana meets with Athena, Diana feels small and unsuccessful.
• The Outcome – Feeling small and unsuccessful.
• The Intention – I (Athena) want you to feel small and unsuccessful.
• Deeper Outcome – What desired outcome does Diana get for feeling small and unsuccessful? What does she get from the game?
• Deeper Intention – What does Diana intend to get from feeling small and unsuccessful. You can bet she gets something of value or she wouldn’t be playing the game that looks painful from the outside.
The desired outcome for Diana could be anything. One example could be that she gains companionship with Athena. Feeling small and unsuccessful could simply be the price of admission to Athena’s company. Diana could also take pride in helping Athena feel like the goddess of wisdom.
Another: When Athena feels big and successful, she bestows upon Diana cakes and golden rings. Diana deeply enjoys Athena’s largesse.
None of this is right or wrong, good or bad. It just is. Humans are complex.
So, how does this help you to be happy and whole?
When you find yourself in a relationship that REPEATEDLY falls into ugly ruts, step back and ask yourself this question.
If the outcome is the intention, then what outcome is s/he going for?
It helps to start the process by pointing the finger at Athena. As Diana’s friend, I immediately want to exclaim, “Athena is BAD!” She may or may not be bad, but I guarantee both Athena and Diana play the game as equals even though it may not look it at first.
Because humans blame every time, as far as I can see, you will find it useful to flush your blame from the underbrush, and start by pointing the finger at Athena, in this case. After you discern what a persons intention is by using the axiom, you can choose to play with the Athenas in your life or not. You can now choose consciously knowing the game.
To be clear, I want you to use your native survival instinct to blame, but don’t take it seriously. You will just be using it to uncover deeper material. In the end, blame never gets you what you want. Blame feeds the ego’s -- the small self’s -- need to be right. By using blame, you can sneak up on your small self, expose the game, and gain some freedom.
You, Diana and I can try to start a new game. Depending on the depth of the rut, this can be very difficult. Have you ever driven a car on a deeply rutted road? It can be difficult wrestling with the steering wheel to pull out of the rut.
My father and I played the “God isn’t it awful” game. He would play the first piece by reporting about something awful. I’d agree and try to top it. Back and forth we’d go with our entries in the game, comparing miseries in the world. Within a very short time, we were both depressed.
I could sometimes swing the conversation in other directions, but it rarely succeeded for long.
Because I chose to be in relationship with my father, I continued to try to drive out of the ruts and rationed the amount of time I spent with him in the ruts. I discovered ways to be with him where the game never even came up. Taking walks with him around his Santa Barbara home put us into new, good patterns. The beautiful, soft climate outside created a beautiful soft climate for us as well. Naturally, this was my first choice of ways to be with him.
Diana faces the same choice. If she can’t switch Athena to a different game, she may have to choose not to play with her anymore.
She could also choose to just play the game and notice how it unfolds. The game is not inherently bad, just unconscious. By witnessing it, paying attention to the nuances as if she were watching Macbeth unfold, she can remain conscious and stay in present time. Staying in present time, observer mode, Diana can enjoy the unfolding wonder of life.
What’s a better game, you ask? Examples:
• Share and acknowledge each other’s strengths and victories.
• Listen to their soul talk. Accept them just the way they are.
• Share dreams, visions, and plans.
• Argue about baseball or vintage wines.
• Take cooking classes together.
• Go tracking in wilderness areas or city parks as my father and I did.
• Play card games.
• Go to movies, have coffee and discuss the nuances of the directors choices.
• Start an online business.
• Remodel a home, build a house.
Do you see how this works?
Finally, but less importantly, we can delve into what William gets for being in depressing conversations with his father, painful conversations with Odysseus, and Diana with Athena. Frankly, there isn’t much juice there. Just recognize that it takes two to tango. Once you have observed it is a game, the spell is broken and you can choose. That’s the big prize.
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